but that's always hella hard.

Last night. After the entry that I hope 'you' read.
I was listening to Bayside, wide awake for about 3 hours. Because they help me relate to stuff. Feeling sad, listen to Bayside. Trust me it'll help. In 3 stages.
1. Realizeation. "This really was all my fault... Why am I such a shithead, but life... it's cruel"
2. More realization "It could be worse..."
3. The final. You cry. You realize that you're a screwup. And it really WAS all your fault to begin with.
But it helps.

Anyway, as I was. Phone Call From Poland came on.
Not only does that song make me emotional enough (go read the lyrics, brah) it reminded me of that time in the back of your mom's car.
Where she said "there are some friends you'll have from life. If you have just one you're doing pretty well"
You looked at me and smiled. You said "I found mine."
I said the same to you.



So, where'd you go?

If I didn't really know you; I'd find it kinda sad.
Cause I check all the pages you go to every day and every night.
Looking for a sign, to know you're alive, maybe even breathing.
But that's just me giving excuses- because I've never doubted that you are.
You don't know what I've done. And am doing. All because of you.
He dumped me because of you. I rearranged our dates- all because of you.
I've refused to go out with guys I knew had problems with you.
Not you, but the way you are.
And it's kinda funny because now we don't talk. Maybe every once and awhile-
I'll leave you a comment. I keep checking for a reply, there ain't nothing.
You can keep playing this game or let me know what I did.
What I said.
Cause it's really kinda fucked up that not only you.
But that one special guy hates me too.
I can mend things with him.
No problem, lives lovely.
But you're the one I care about.
I don't go through shit and defend your type just for you to ignore me.
Just to be blown off for one more day.
For you to make me feel and do things to which you know I'll say:
"Wish I were there.
But here, it's okay."
Just so you know, I'm doing the same.
Cause what goes around comes around.
Making plans with him and her, to fill up the weekends.
Just to avoid it if you might happen to call.
But now I know you won't; cause of all the shit I said.
I know you know; but I'm not the nicest person.
I can be as sweet as cherry pie or a bitch from fucking hell;
And that's what I was. Towards you.
And I can't take back all those things that you'll never know.
But the two things you can know:
I was struggling with it to. All the time you were.
That one time I canceled my date.
Got yelled at and hit by that boy because of you.
I tried to help you. I wanted to talk to you. Make sure everything was okay.
Because I was where you were.
Almost certain I was.
Cause he wasn't the one. And I had myself fooled all along.
And then there's number 2.
Which could almost be 3.
It's that I'm sorry, for whatever it is and was.
And that I don't hate you.
And as these tears keep rolling down the side of my face.
I can only hope that in my dream tonight- you won't hate me.



But the reality of it is. When I wake up tomorrow there's not going to be a message from you. A text. A comment. Anything.
Because you do hate me. And the only thing that can help me cope with it is hating myself for making you hate me.

Yet another Friday night of dodging fast cars on Daniels, helping Tom shoplift and random mischeif at Belltower... What fun.
Flash. Around 6:30 with Anthony and Cammie. We talked. Random shit. Anthony went to a movie. Flash. Starbucks with Dino, Rachel and Jessica. Where we saw Tom. And I bought him tea and covered for him while he stole some cds and coffee beans. Then he gave me batterys because "he loves me" and "I'm really nice". We share a lot of the same opinions. Which is pretty cool. hahah I love that kid. Flash. Alexis showed up after we tried to sell stolen goods to little 12 year olds in front of Bed, Bath & Beyond.... Then back over to Starbucks where we got yelled at for standing infront of the drive through speakers.
Flash. Target where Megan stole a thong. ahha. Crazzy chica. We took pictures of Leah taking a piss at Johnny Rockets.
Flash. Jessi. Cutest little bisexual everrr. he's adorable. haha.
Flash. Back over to the movie theaters. Anthony just got out. Some kid got punched in the face with brass knuckles, he was only ten. We hung out with Anthony, Cammie & Dino for a few minutes. Flash. Into the movies. DDR is amazing. I beat Leah, but we both did terrible because I think we were high on life.
Flash. 7 missed calls. 4 voice mails. My mom is crying because she thinks I'm ignoring her or dead.
Home.
Finally.
My knees are sore from running across Daniels without a stoplight. From running in and out of cars with Tom yelling: "we're high! we're high!" after remarks- "not really! we're kidding! SXE!" All being yelled at and called "fucking emo!".

infinity on high!!!!!
it leaked!!!!!
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

omgomgomogm so amazing<3
it makes me smile on the inside.


i can't WAIT until tomorrow night.
now i'll know the songs!<3333
i'm not gonna stop listening to it! fffffyeah.

fall out boy will rock my face off.


first spastic journal entry yet.
f`yeah.

It's so ironic how bad things happen at the best times.
I guess it's the world's sick reminder that God isn't there when it hurts the most. Or not at all. Or ever.

My mom is definately a good liar. A better one than I am.
She seems happy almost all the time now, but I guess that's because she's normally very upset and hard to agree with.
I thought it was because of Christmas coming around, but I learned on the way home from Walmart that it wasn't. She's just a liar.
Another person in the world that is covering up their pain with a smile and walking into the world unprepared and unarmed.

Apparently my uncle is at it again. Trying to steal more money from my grandmother and the rest of the family. She said that it was because she is so mad at him she didn't hang the old family stockings up on the banister. Because of him that she didn't want to set up a Christmas tree (we still don't have one), because it reminds her of doing it with the family when she was a child.
Because of him that Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas.
Him that the only Holiday song she could listen to was John Lennon & Yoko's "Happy Christmas".
And how that was the only thing that could make her happy because of him.

A few seconds after that. The awful deadly between-songs static of the radio buzzing, "Happy Christmas" began playing.

I guess God does exist.

I can't wait til the new year.
It doesn't feel like Christmas.

I just want to start over.
Forget about depression. Forget about self-inflicted pain.
My mistakes. My enemys.

I want 2007 to be perfect.

Sometimes I really hate my father's job. He always has business people over and has barely any time to do anything with me on weekends or anything.
He had been planning to take me to Barnes & Noble tonight and he came home and said it would have to wait because "The Slice" was coming over. I really don't know the guy. He talks a lot and looks like Eddie Reyes from Taking Back Sunday. There was another guy I didn't know he was pale and tall. With light blonde hair. He looked like Conan O'brien, actually.
They made lobster. I had blackberrys and a banana. They were a little bit old, but my mom has been so busy planning my dad's BUSINESS PARTY this weekend she hasn't gone to the store lately. I think I might bike over there tomorow after school just to get afew things.
Speaking of that party, it's Friday and it's going to be terrible. About 40 realestate agents and their spouces in our house. Eating fish. Smelling up the place. I really don't want to stay. Someone save me! Atleast I know the peoples names, as I had to address, stamp and lick 43 cards for about 3 hours today. (During my Barnes & Noble time!!)

Can't Get There From Here is a fantastic book, by the way. Wow...
It made me really sad, too. OG and Pest dying was the worst. During the second chapter when they were describing Country Club the only thing going through my head was "wow, he's going to be my favorite" and then I get to the end of the page: Dead at age of 22 from Alcohol poisoning, eventually leading to liver failure. Or something. Maybe I should kill off Zac in that way. When he's... 25?
hmm. Sounds interesting. Gritty.
OG was really cool though.
2moro reminded me of Kristen from The OC, and Maybe of Sara from The Torn Skirt.

Funny how my 2 favorite books are about life on the streets?
I think it's kept me off of them.

Hopefully I'll read either Give a Boy a Gun or Crank next. I'm leaning more twords the former, being as I enjoyed Can't Get There From Here so much. (same author hurrr.)

peace.

So it turns out I'm not transfering after all. Because I have a C in English.
But, I've convinced myself that it's for the better:
~ I have more time to complete my portfolio; thus a better chance to get into the art program. Learn new things, expand my ... "talent" if I even have any.
~ Be prettier. Pretty is the friend. Ugly is the enemy. I shall work twords that.

And overall, I can grow my hair out again! I miss it! It's so nastyyy.

Yeah. That's It.

hmm. So, I just got word from my mother this afternoon that if there is an open spot at Cypress Center of the Arts, I'm going there next semester!
I'm happy to leave ECS, but at the same time I'll miss some people. (...Tyler..) ]:

So, all the things I thought I had a long time & a summer to do, I'll have to work on super fast in a little less than a month and a half... augh.

soooo. I wanna be like 102lbs (or less). Cause that seems almost perfect. So lol@target weight. I think that'd be nice.
I have a plan for that- basically, I'll live off of Propel water, salads, bananas, and red bull. It's possible. Red Bull makes me really full; so yeah. Salad for lunch and dinner, banana for breakfast.
If I go to bed by 10:00 each night, I should be able to wake up around 4:00AM; which will give me time to ride my bike each morning. It'll be really nice outside too!, I'm looking forward to that. And then DDR each afternoon for somewhat around an hour, aswell as riding my bike again as the sun goes down.
I'll find some nice workouts on the interwebs, and do those from like 9 to 10. Except for Thursdays, where my night will be spent indoors 'Til Death and The OC. Other things I can tape and watch later.
I guess I could multi-task though during 'Til Death... but The OC calls for my complete attention!!

All of that won't really leave for much computer time, but I'm just on here all the time to kill time... so yeah.

I need to get my hair dyed. I've been talking about it with my mom, and I think she's almost convinced. A darkish brown would be really cool. And I'll get extentions too. I'd like to get almost bleach blonde extentions or something underneath the brown. I've seen a picture where someone did that and it looked amazing.

hmmm. I need to explore more things I can do with my make-up. -0-; I seem to do the same thing every day. LAMEEE.

I need to make a new name for myself. I'm tired of being called the "ugly demon child" because people have this little 5th grade me stuck in their head. The one who hung out with that "goth girl". Blah.

Wish me luck!

I love talking to my mother, she always knows when something's wrong.

She always makes me realize things I was to upset to realize. Stuff I couldn't realize because I was to busy coping with it in my own mind. That you're putting so much strain on me, her, aswell as the other people who know by not being so open. Not telling. Because every time it's mentioned, we feel just as much strain and hurt inside, possibly more, than you do.

Because I'm not the only one that thinks you're incorrect. Truthfully, it bothers me, and I'm not the only one who thinks that aswell. Nobody I've talked to about it believes you.


Liar.

If you're so set on your opinion, tell your family. Don't make us, and yourself, take the grief.

I hate talking to my mother, she always knows when something's wrong.

mhmmmm. 99xmas tickets!! I worked so hard to get them, and I finally did! $53 >0<
I don't think I'll be buying much merch! hahahh.
I also bought the new A Static Lullaby CD today. boo. I have like 4 cds I still need to listen to. *hits head* no moree.

I saw Chris today at Barnes And Noble (I swear I don't go there to stalk that boy! The reason I go is for the books and coffee... not the employees, I promise!, My mom thinks he's the only reason I go there about every other day... I don't even like him... he's just extremely attractive and likes good music and books!) Anywho. We talked for about 10 minutes until the lady behind the Starbucks thing told him to get back to work! hah.

Also, I think I'm starting to like Kyle. UHOH. That's bad cause he's a junior and I'm just a lowly freshman. And it can't be because of his looks, because, well it just can't.

I miss Adrianna. ],:

I also miss Paramore.

hmmm... yeah that's it.

hmm..
I can play Pressure (paramore) and Greener With The Scenery (the used) on my bass now. So that's cool.
Two more days of school until I get to see Grant and everyone again. That'll be a lot of fun.
Laura is pissed at me because I told her to shove her hellogoodbye cds up her butt. hah it was funny.
mrgh. 2 minutes til the news.

Drama club tomorrow. I'll try and update tomorrow afterwards cause that's always eventful.

haha bye.

Yay. Yesterday was awesome.
We ended up going to the mall Friday after school instead of on Sunday, because Sundays are always more crowded because who the hell actually goes to church on Sundays now-a-days anyway.

Apparently My Chemical Romance has a book now? hah. I haven't read that yet either. I hope I can bundle up with some blankets and some hot cocco tonight on the porch with my stereo and read those, aswell as finish People Die... which is really good so far.
I also got an Aiden poster.

I ended up getting an 87 on my Biology test! I'm really happy about that, because If I keep up getting high b's and a's I should come out of there with a 90 or above for the first semester.

I'm leaving to babysit in about 3 hours... ughh. No fun. Atleast I'll be closer to the artbooks!
rotflol.

...Alex still hasn't called. f him.

So another week is coming to a close, with a busy weekend ahead. It's been pretty good, I guess.
So I present... the good and the bad! :0
I'm just that lame.

+!
New episode of The OC, a very good episode, to be exact. LOL@RYAN & ]:@SETH.
Some new friends at school. Being less shy proved positive.
Actually scoring a 100% on every quiz and test, except one, I took this week! I just hope I did good on the Bio test that we're turning in tomorrow!
Progress reports came, and I'm passing all my classes. Which is a wonder because I was positive that I was failing english.
Babysitting! Money!
Making up "Brodalcious" with Becca. Haha. He's brodalicious. his body stays vicious he be up in the gym just working on his fitness, i'm his witess.
Money = I have a reason to go to the mall on Sunday with Luisa, Katie and Laura. SCORE. Take that mother!

-!
No new OC episode for two weeks! Ahhh I'll die. I just hope they have it up on myspace soon. ]:
Getting an F on an art project that I spent almost an hour on because: a) I didn't put any "effort" into it. b) it looked like an Etheopian child. c) my art teacher hates me.
Babysitting. I don't really like those kids.
Mommy is sick. ]:
I miss my kitty! auhhh. I don't see her as much now because she's outside and roaming the world. To be free like her...

Heyy lj kiddies.

This week has been amazing. I can't believe I used to hate my life so much. It's amazing, there are people who care for me, and I have all I could ever need. I love my life.

So I got back about an hour ago, it was really fun [:
Next year we are going to volunteer to actually be the people in the haunted walk. So we get to scare people yaay. I did plenty of that anyway.

Some little kid got lost/kidnapped and it was really sad because I never really got to find out what happened because we left before we heard anything. His name was Josh.

the Escape The Fate full-length is amazing ahaha. Aiden EP in 2 days. whoo. [:
I'm thinking of starting a music community. nyahhh dunno.
ashie want to? [:

mmm. hateful myspace messages from ex boyfriends are SO much fun! [:

I'm glad he's mad at me, actually. That means I don't have to deal with him ever. He's all "I don't want her to think i'm using her to make you jealous". I could care less what he does.

But there's this boy that I barely know, and I can't keep my mind off of him. <3

so, at lunch. to make a long story short, the entire 8th and 9th grade thinks i like this kid chris. he's really nice, and i like him as a friend, but it was pretty much not so fun. i made him really upset after school today, too. luisa and i were fooling around with him and we made him mad (on accident, of course). he wouldn't talk to me about it. i said sorry way to many times, but all he did was slam his locker on my face and walk away.

today wasn't a good day.


NFG next weekend. hopefully. My dad is thinking about it. He's pretty stiff about it right now, saying no. Because I'm not old enough to be going to concerts that are over 2 hours away. I got pretty worked up about it, but he said he'd listen to the bands and let me know when I get back on Sunday. He said okay to the Flyleaf concert, but thats in December. =X

Speaking of sunday, i'm going camping with some friends, i think it'll be a great time to keep my mind of off things. we've been to the grounds before, it's a great thing they do each halloween, and make it into a haunted campground. it sounds cheap, but it's really quite fun.

til then. [:

I like talking to my dad; I really do.
He's an interesting person, he has an excelent sense of story telling, just sometimes the most tragic aren't stories.

He told me of 3 deaths. His close incounters.

His friend Danny, who passed at 11. He had wanted my father to come home and play with him, but my father opted not to. Later that night, Danny was jumping on his parents bed, and underneath was a shotgun. He didn't know this. It wasn't locked. It shot him through the heart.

Another young boy who I can't recall the name of; who drove his car into a lake on accident. My father was to be riding with him, but he decided to stay at school later.

The final, was only 10 years ago, and it bothers me that I can remember it. My father's friends saw him walking on the side of the road, asking him if he wanted to go to a party. He declined, and a while later the 4x4 they were driving in became a death scene. A utility truck driving behind them hit a sudden stop; a heavy block of metal went through the window in the back of the car, killing one of my father's best friends imediately.


I can't stop thinking of it.

i feel like an emotional train wreck.
i'm not all that sure what i think about the people i spend my time with, i love them so much but i worry they don't feel that way. i always feel like a burden. a hinder.
i'm not the nicest person in the world. i'm far from the prettiest. i don't give outstanding gifts. i'm selfish. i care more about what people think of me than the people themselves.

i wish you loved me like i love you.
i wish he didn't care so much.
& i wish she would leave me alone for a day. a week. let me think things through. let me live.

paramore was last night and it was the most amazing thing i've experienced in my life. it was absoutely amazing. i love those kids.

halfway into paramore preforming emergency i think the fact sank into my head. it was that i was there. less than a foot away from me was the band that pulled me out of everything. they showed me that life could be okay. that not everything was terrible. that you can be sad and it's nto the end of everything. the band that saved my life. the girl i admire so much that it could be a jealous hatred right infront of my face.

and all i could do was sing along.

more later on the concert. i'm not in the mood to talk about it right now.